jumping without a parachute

I've been trying to write this entry for a long time, and learnt it doesn't get any easier. There's simply no easy way to explain what has been going on in my mind recently, but I'll try.

I've been thinking about my life a lot recently. I've been questioning my choices, I've been torturing myself with big questions. I've forced myself to admit certain things, and I've struggled with questions about my own motives and other people's expectations. In the end I've found some answers too. And here I thought that was the difficult part! No, the difficult part is to find the right words to tell you what I've learnt about myself and where my life is going now.

I know I can never fully explain what drives me in this life, but I'll try. First, on 26th of April 2010 my beloved mother had a stroke. Then, a month later, I was involved in a pretty bad car accident. These two things changed me -- but only for good. I finally really realized there's no way to know what's going to happen tomorrow. I learnt to appriciate and love life, even the smallest things and rainy days. I promised myself I will never postpone anything, I will enjoy every day of my life like it was my last one - because it might as well be. I know it sounds like a whole punch of clichés, but I'm serious about all this stuff.

I am now 25 years old. People tell me how in my age I should find a boyfriend, get a job, get married, start a  family, buy a house and be responsible. What makes me sad, is that none of those people who are so keen to tell me what I should do with my life, advices me to find a way to be happy. All I hear is talk about jobs, families, houses, and responsibilities - like those things would automatically make me happy. When I tell people I don't really fancy any of those things, they take it as a personal insult and start telling how I should grow up. Newsflash: I've been dealing with losing a parent, I've got a driver's licence, I've lost my virginity, I live on my own, I've studied in university, I run my family's real estate business and I've closed 100,000€ deals, I pay my bills with money I've earned myself, I pay my taxes, and I take full responsibility of all my actions. According to my standards, that makes me a "grown-up", and the rest is none of anyone else's business.

Keeping all this in mind and returning to the original topic - my future - I'm here to confess something. It's a well-known fact that I'm willing to leave university behind after this spring. I've been telling everyone (myself included) how I'd love to study hotel & tourism, how I'm applying to a college in Imatra this spring and hopefully starting those studies next autumn. Okay, here comes the part I've been struggling to confess (even to myself).

I don't want any of that, not now. I'm not just sick of studying in university. I'm sick of studying, period.

I'm going to jump without a parachute.

This spring I'm moving back to South Karelia. My family owns a farmhouse there, and that's where I'm going to move all my belongings. The house has been abandoned for two years, it's old and freezing during the winters, but during the summers it's just fine - and that's all I need right now. I'm pretty sure I'll get my old job at the cemetery back, so I could work and earn money till the end of October. And then... I have some things I need to do before I turn 30.

What I've been thinking recently, is how some doors remain open when some doors close forever. The thing is, most colleges in Finland don't have any age limits, you can go and study if you're 18 or 65. Work & Travel visas are only available for people under 30, and same applies to some volunteer work programs as well. That's what I've been thinking. I'm now 25, and if I go to college, I will graduate when I'm 29. That's too late! This might be my one and only chance, and I'm not going to waste it. People only regret things they didn't do - everything else can be passed with "what's done, it's done" -attidute, you know.

Like I said, I'm going to jump without a parachute.

Future will tell how long this phase in my life will last - it might be just this one year, it might be a few years, or a decade. I don't know, and I don't need to know. I've got enough of waiting and planning my life - I want to live it, NOW. Working 5 months a year at the cemetery and not needing to pay a rent of the family farmhouse will save me enough money to travel during the winters - with Work & Travel visa or doing volunteer work, or whatever I find. Wanderlust is killing me, and I'm done fighting it - I want to travel and see the world before it's too late! If this is what I really want, if it makes me happy, if I'm ready to deal with the consequences and I can afford it, I think the rest is none of anyone else's business.  Life is choices, and (thank God) we're all free to do our own choices. This is my choice.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not fearless or taking all this too lightly. Far from that. To tell you the truth, I'm pretty terrified. Once I sign the papers at the university, there's no going back - I'll be on my own. This means kind of jumping out of the society and its safety net. There has always been a little anarchist inside of me, and it likes to think that if I'm not asking anything from the society, the society won't be able to ask anything from me. For me it's all about freedom, living your live the way you love it. Isn't that the most important thing in life? We only have this one life, and it's going fast. Why waste your precious time doing things you don't find interesting? Why ask others' opinions when it's about you and your life? All good questions which I've been asking myself lately.

I get a feeling I'm just repeating myself and desperately explaining my motives. I knew it would be difficult to explain all this, but I didn't know it would be this hard. All this is so ultimately personal, it's hard to work it out into written form, you know (if you don't believe me, just try to write down why you are doing what you're doing!). But I tried, because for once in my life I wanted to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. Let's say this was the first and last time. I don't care so much about others' opinions, and generally I don't have any need to explain myself to those who don't understand. Let's make a deal - I live my life my way, you live your life your way, and it's all just great as long as we're both happy. Deal?

yours truly-

ps. sorry for this too long and messed up post. I just really needed to get all this out of my chest. After this we can return to my semi-boring daily life, I promise ;-)